I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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