Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
