that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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