why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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