I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
