He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
