when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
