just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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