My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
