I'm jealous of your bromance
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
