I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
