you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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