so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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