He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
