This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
