How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
