Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
