im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
