I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
