i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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