guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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