Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
