when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
