It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
