Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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