I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
