Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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