We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
