He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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