Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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