i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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