Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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