he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
