Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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