New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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