hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
