I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
