I can text with my tongue
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
