i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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