I can tuck mytits in my pants
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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