Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
