I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
