Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
