I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
