I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
