He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
