I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
