Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
