The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
