Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
